xanyland Episode 5: Move over, dating apps. Therapy is Tommy’s real love story.

The topic up for discussion: how to do therapy well or like …. Tommy.

I sat down with Tommy Brennan, a comedian and friend who is actively in therapy. You can find his hilarious stand-up on Comedy Central and Don’t Tell Comedy on YouTube. He is currently on tour and can be heard on his podcast Roomates-in-Lawbased on a web series he wrote, filmed, edited, and starred in.  He’s a total vibe, and that vibe is t-shirt, jeans, and vintage jackets. 

Tommy and I go back, back to the day he moved to LA and did a show with us. He was the host of Blue Mondays here in LA for some time and now we brought things full circle by recording this very podcast episode on the day he moved out of LA. The universe has a way of handing us gifts. 

Although I didn’t manage to steal the perfect granny sweater/sweatshirt thingy he was wearing when we recorded, I did manage to have another incredible conversation about the ways mental health touches people's lives. This time, Tommy’s. (Or Tommy two-tone as he’s known on my husband’s phone or Tommy Comic as he’s known on Jake the Editor’s phone. Many Tommy’s in one Tommy comedy man.)

Tommy confessed that his relationship with his current therapist was the longest relationship he’s ever had. 6 years and counting!!! New vocab alert: this is what I would call object relations. In order to heal we have to do it socially, helping to reorganize our representational world. The caregivers in our lives usually shape this theory. Tommy’s caregiver here is Cheryl and they seem really happy together. Let’s normalize saying our therapist names and talking about them like they are actual people because helloooooo? We are. There is this stigma around therapy, partly because it is part of the medical profession and there’s the whole patient/client confidentiality thing, but let’s be real. You just told your friend the name of your gyno, yesterday. We talk to our therapist about the same things we might talk to a friend about and more. We have been told that’s shameful. Glad we’ve arrived at admitting we have a therapist, now let’s give her a name. It’s not like we are inputting our thoughts and feelings into a machine and they spit out a magic pill to take that fixes our brain! (Although that doesn’t seem that far away — scary.) 

I’ll just reiterate, AI can’t give us a personal approach to anything really. It’s scientific and manufactured. Therapy with a human is impactful and important and should never be replaced. So please refer your favorite therapists to others and stop hiding them. Share you’re Cheryl’s! 

Tommy said he was a huge advocate for therapy to anyone who would listen. He was advocating hard for therapy while not even going himself. That’s a true ally. Joking aside, it can be easier to say everyone should be in therapy without even attempting to go yourself for a myriad of reasons. A huge reason is, it takes time to find the right therapist. We’ve discussed similar topics before, but reiterating that every person and every brain is different and sometimes you click with a therapist and sometimes ya don’t. 

Tommy said he needed someone who wouldn’t lead him or offer advice too early. He is quick to get defensive. Something he learned about himself in the process of finding Cheryl — the queen. I, on the other hand, always felt like the perfect therapist was basically a hot cult leader. Two very different ends of the spectrum, but proving the point that there is a perfect therapist out there for everyone. Keep looking for your soulmate. Tommy and I have happily found ours. 

So now you found the right therapist…how do you get the most out of your time with them? Tommy laid out his therapy ritual and I was truly stunned and majorly jealous of Cheryl. Not only has Tommy found a gem in Cheryl but she hit the jackpot with Tommy. The best client award should go to him. He laid out how he schedules his therapy appointments with buffers of about 30 minutes before and after so he can prep and decompress after. Going straight from reality to therapy is kind of a waste of your money because inevitably you will waste the first 20 minutes talking about something top of mind that might not even be necessary to discuss. I even do this in my own sessions on occasion. 

Coming prepared is helpful but even if you don’t come with concrete notes or thoughts you should come with intention. I don’t write notes ahead of time but I do isolate myself in my bed, with a cup of tea and I do think of it as a skill to be good at therapy. This is not “therapist me” talking, this is “client/patient me” talking. Getting good at therapy is just like getting good at meditating or doing an exercise correctly. Get good at tapping in and connecting and reorganizing in order to have a more resourceful future.

Your brain needs time to absorb information before moving on. 

And I do believe that is how you do therapy. 

Real quick, this is the 5th performer that I’ve talked to and I think what I’m learning is therapy and performing are so closely related. In order to be a good performer you have to listen. Memory is a huge part of it as well, not only in memorizing lines but in making callbacks or analyzing text, story, or narrative. Therapy works the same way. Having an elephant's brain is like a magic trick for a therapist. Calling back on a life detail a client gave and using it to possibly explain a current situation is like a reallyyyy good callback. Improv people know what I’m talking about. 

I always knew performing and therapy would somehow intertwine. Taking this time to announce how validated I feel by these amazing comedians I respect and admire. Feeling super gushy, thanks for listening.

Watch the episode below, or find xanyland on your favorite podcast platform.